Work in Progress

I would like to spend some time reflecting on this past year (2011).  In a way, my emotions this year have fluctuated in a similar manner to the stock market; the only difference being is I am confident that I am on the road to recovery.  I spent most of this past year in therapy.  It took me 35 years and the worst experience of my life to accept that I needed help objective help!  I have to say that it was the best thing I have ever done for myself, the best investment in myself that I have made.

I also underwent surgery which I have wanted ever since I lost 50kg over 7 years ago and have been lugging around an enormous amount of excess skin.  So, my Christmas gift to myself this year was to have all the excess skin removed from my stomach and breasts.  While I’m 3 weeks into recovery, I can already see a glimpse of the results.  Funny when people ask me if I’m in a lot of pain, I can honestly say that the pain of being cut from one side of my body to the other (almost all the way around) was nothing compared to the emotional heart break that I went through.  The result of that heart break has made me a lot stronger.

I suppose I could go on about the craziness that is my marriage and husband but for now I will only say this; he finally crashed around September and was put in hospital, medicated and undergoing therapy.  He continues therapy and has a very long road ahead.  It is somewhat easier to communicate with him and I did visit him in hospital which was the first time I had seen him in well over a year.

2012 will continue to be a work in progress, I know there will be some challenges such as filing for divorce but I also know I have a wonderful support network and I know that if I need more support then I can always count on therapy.  Therapy is like the airbags they put in cars, you know they are there and if need be they will work to save your life.

I will continue to focus on my work and study which over the last couple of years kept my brain active and busy so that I could think of something other than the tragedy that was my relationship and marriage.  It was almost like a brain holiday from my personal life.  In the midst of my relationship demise I went back to school part time to study law.  It may take me 10 years and I will graduate as an old lawyer but to me it’s a blessing.  It’s the most challenging study I have ever done, the brain of a lawyer fascinates me and whether I finish this or not I am loving all the amazing things I am learning.

Relationships in 2012 will not be high on my agenda list, still not ready to risk exposing my heart but I know I will eventually have to get out there and get on with life. 

I will share my endeavours of 2012 and also reflect on past experiences because I believe that it is important to know what has happened in the past to have a better understanding of our present actions and decisions. 

My Story...

In July 2010 I married the love of my life.  By the end of August 2010, less than a month after our wedding, my husband had thrown me out of our home, he had evicted me from our life together.

No, this is not fiction, it is very much reality, a reality which 15 months on I am still trying to cope with each and every day.  You see, my husband has a mental illness (bipolar and/or borderline personality disorder) and a day after our wedding he decided that he no longer needed to take any medication and stopped,then and there.  And that was the beginning of the end.

Within days he completely changed, became aggressive, abusive, intimidating, delusional, demanding money, stopped working, made irrational and reckless decisions.  Basically he had no consideration or thought for the consequences of his actions.  Consequences we are all still paying for today.

I could see he was not right and I confronted him and tried to get him to go see a psychicatrist but all that resulted in was a threat that he would get violent if I did not leave.  He had to get rid of me, he was manic and no one could stand in his way.  As I've come to find out at the time he was in 'bulldozer mode' and had to get rid of anyone who stood in his way.

So in the course of just over a year because he stopped taking his medication my husband destroyed his second marriage, got himself into extreme debt, destroyed his relationship with his 21 year old daughter to the point where she had to get a restraining order against him and he could also possibly face a jail sentence for harrassing and intimidating her.

This has been the most difficult time of my life and I hope to share my journey so that if someone out there reading this is thinking of stopping their medication then please reconsider, think of your family and loved ones, if not for yourself then do it for them.  Life can fall apart very quickly and it can take years to pick up the pieces.